I am afraid.
I am terribly afraid of what lies ahead.
I am terribly afraid of repeating my past.
I am afraid of not being enough for myself.
I am afraid of setting all these goals to come up short, to never reach my full potential.
I am afraid of settling for something or someone when there is so much that I have not achieved.
But mostly, I am afraid of falling in love with someone to only have them fall out of love with me.
How terrible would it feel to endure the pain of losing someone’s love slowly. They start to distance themselves over time, leaving you wondering what went wrong? Why won’t they answer my calls? Why are they always late? Why are our plans diminishing?…
Why am I not good enough?
Why don’t you love me anymore?
I am afraid of giving everything to someone to have them leave it broken and disgraced on the kitchen floor, never to be touched again; to be dropped like a toy from a child’s hands once they see the new one their mom has brought home.
To feel empty.
I am afraid to feel empty because I don’t know how to fill myself up again.
Sometimes I think that I am almost too generous of a person. I will give and give and give because I want to give them the joy that I feel. But, you see, that is where my deepest flaw lies; I will give until I have nothing left. I will give you every part of me in the hopes that you will give me all of you as well. Foolish, right? Not everyone works the same way I do. Only in fairytales does everything work out the way you want it to, and I am working to accept that fact. But, how do I bring all of that love back to myself once I have given it all away? I know how to make myself look happy and how to be an independent woman, but I can’t quite figure out how to love myself completely.
And maybe that’s why I am so afraid of falling out of love, I don’t know how to love myself anymore.